No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
