Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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