I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
