dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
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Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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