i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
