just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
