I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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