so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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