My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
