Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
