So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
