I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
