Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
