I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
