U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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