there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
