he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
