The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
