I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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