how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
