she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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