At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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