I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
