Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
