I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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