Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
