I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
