i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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