I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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