Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
