i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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