R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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