did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
