Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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