MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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