I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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