I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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