You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
