i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
