Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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