my mouth tastes like poor choices
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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