omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
