Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
