You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
