what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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