I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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