Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
