Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
