Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
