Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
