meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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