I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
