I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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