How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
