first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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