did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
