do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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