Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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