I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
