mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
