guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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