Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
