A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
