whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
